We've all been there, maybe we are there now.
We walk in to the sights and sounds of church. We hear the music playing and people singing, we shake hands and smile. We sit in our usual seat, because we are creatures of habit. It's that same habit that brought us here, or perhaps brought the person who drug us along. In our minds though, we are not here. We are far away. We are thinking about lunch or studying the back of the person's head in front of us. We are thinking about how we are tired and wondering why we are here. We are thinking about that person that said that thing that hurt us. We are wishing the niggling doubt in the back of our minds wasn't there.
but we keep coming back........or maybe we don't.
I don't want to stir up negativity or criticism about the church. There are plenty of people who are in love and at home with their place in church. I cheer those people on and encourage you to keep making your congregation a great one, but you might not want to throw the towel in on this post just yet. There's a subset of people who don't feel the same, at all. You see, it needs to be known: those people are there. More importantly, if we are those people, the ones who have a prickly relationship with church, we need a voice.
People deal with this disillusionment in a myriad of ways. They might church hop. They might dig in their heels and sign up to volunteer more or join another Bible study. They may try and change what they don't like about their current church. Very rarely, do we undergo the soul excavation it takes to find out why we are so unsettled in church in the first place. Rarely do we just honestly say out loud to a trusted friend: I want to break up with church!
It might feel scary, like opening pandoras box to voice these thoughts. It can feel traitorous, shameful.
"What would so and so think? Im not allowed to feel this way, am I? There must be something wrong with me, wrong with my faith..."
Wait. Consider this...
The church is a living, breathing organism.
It's not the building we envision, it's the collective culture that is made up by the humans inside and all around the world who call themselves believers. It's the beliefs that they represent and live out. Oh and hey..its NOT God. (btw there are times when God has expressed that He has mixed feelings about the church, and he is brutally honest about it in the first several chapters of Revelation).
So maybe its ok to feel like this? Maybe our relationship with the church is like any other relationship in our lives, our marriages, our friendships, our children and parents. Think about these people for a minute and how your relationships have shifted over time. Some change naturally as we grow and develop as individuals, some come to an end perhaps by our choice and new relationships bloom in their place. Some grow at a rapid pace, others a slow and steady progression. Our whole lives, this evolving of our relationships is taking place. Why would our relationship with the Church be any different?
Our desire to withdraw can be stemming from LOTS of origins. Church baggage: someone hurt us/ignored us/judged us. God baggage: we are mad/sad/bored/scared with Him. Belief baggage: we are outgrowing what we once believed to be true or we don't agree with the way our particular local church is exercising their beliefs. Maybe we are scared to admit we don't really know what we believe. The list goes on and on...
This post has sat in my draft archives for a long time now just looking at me with big sad eyes. Every time I go to write something else I keep ending up back here. It will just not leave me alone! the truth is : I didn't want to write about this because I am still in the midst of living it. I don't have any answers or anything new to say about the subject. However, I bump up against too many people that feel they are on the outskirts. So this post is just to acknowledge that if you feel this way you aren't alone.
The real question is : what do we do now?
A good starting place is just to acknowledge that tiny voice you have pushed down for so long...write it down, talk to someone, read about it, join in conversations others have started about it.
I know I was terrified to do this because of what I might find once I started digging. I was afraid I might justify myself from going to church all together and I could not let that happen. However, once I did let that happen, it wasn't so bad. I actually found myself missing church, warts and all. There have been seasons of life where physically I have been unable to attend consistently because of health reasons. Then when I was ready to go back, it all felt so raw. My emotions were razor sharp and it took a certain amount of composure to just sit there and weep quietly without making scene. At times that feels good, like we are sweeping out the cobwebs from the corners. At other times, we simply can't endure that.
Taking a step back to reevaluate does not need to be shameful. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees, you need to zoom out and hold something at arms length to get a better perspective. I feel like some would say, "NO just keep going, at all costs, keep filling a pew or theater seat or whatever! Those feelings will subside eventually, they are JUST feelings. The Bible says not to forsake meeting together as some are in the habit of doing" Maybe there's truth in that approach (although I'm not a huge fan of ignoring feelings anymore) maybe you can sort through things when you are wading knee deep in murky waters. Maybe you have a good community you can be honest with about this and will help you process, where you feel safe to ugly cry and confess your doubts. My guess is though if you have that you are less likely to be in this situation in the first place. Anytime I have felt anchored in community all of this seemed easier to cope with and I have a feeling this is way it was meant to work.
SO what if you don't have that sense of belonging that keeps you there? What if you don't fit or you moved or they moved or the church split or whatever...
For me? I took to solitude and resting in God. I talked about it with a few trusted friends/mentors. I wrote ALOT, I listened ALOT. I went to church only when I wanted to. I can't say if this is right for you or your situation, this is just the path I took. Right now, Im not actively engaged in a local church although I do call my local mega church home. Right now, Im ready to try and get more involved although I'm a little scared and not sure what it will look like, but I am ready to try again.
Basically I just wanted to say, if any part of this resonates with you...I'm here too.
And there are others, we're just not always easy to find because this is a hard thing to be honest about. I'm hoping by speaking up myself, maybe it will be less hard for others and little less lonely.
Where are you in your relationship with church? Have you been here before? What did you find helpful?
Thanks for being here today,
Jenna
Comentários